The Measure of War
by MattUF1
Summary: Win or lose, Kaitlin Shepard has always been able to fight. But when that fight is taken away from her, she realizes that the greatest war she will ever wage, is not with the Reapers. But with herself. Shepard(F)/Liara T'Soni
1. Chapter 1

_You need a village, if only for the pleasure of leaving it. A village means that you are not alone, knowing that in the people, the trees, the earth, there is something that belongs to you, waiting for you when you are not there. ~Casare Pavese_

* * *

"Kaitlin, you're gonna throw your back out," From her position well behind the young blonde girl, Cassidy James bit her lip and continued to scan the area around them. "Can we please just go home?"

She was sure they were going to be caught.

Kaitlin merely chuckled. "I'll be fine, you'll be fine. Relax, Cassie. We haven't seen anyone out here all day."

"And that doesn't worry you? What if we get attacked by a bear or something?!"

Cassidy was…beautiful. That's the word Kaitlin would first use to describe her best friend. It covered a lot of ground, that one word. Described her physically and emotionally.

They'd been close since the first day they met three years ago, when Cassidy moved into Attican Traverse with her family. She was born on Earth, the home world that Kaitlin's own parents had run away from just before she was born.

Earth had become…overpopulated and dirty. It was crowded, it was violent and for as lauded as it was as the home world of the human race, it had become more of a stain than a symbol.

Mindoir was different. It was beautiful. There were vast lands of forest and trees. Lakes covered mass chunks of the land. Farming here was as good as any planet in the system.

That's what her parents did, they were farmers. Nothing major, not like the big companies that grew crop here. But they did well enough.

For every ounce of beauty and reservation that Cassidy possessed, Kaitlin Shepard was _anything _but reserved. She was restless, constantly wanting more out of life. Never able to sit still, never taking a back seat. She was a leader, an adventurer and more often than not, accused of being a bit of a trouble maker.

So when she found out that there were cellars in the deep forest just outside of town that nobody she knew had been inside or even seen, she couldn't resist the opportunity.

Of course, as it had been for the last three years, that meant Cassidy would have no choice but to come along.

"You know," Kaitlin started as she finally heard the latch give way and the cover of the cellar open. "There aren't actually any bears on Mindoir, or lions or any of the other animals that you constantly go on and on about us getting eaten by."

"Oh you're right, because wild Varren and Barak's are so much better."

Kaitlin chuckled. "Oh please, there are no Barak's for miles into the forest and I'm pretty sure I could handle one or two Varren. Their teeth are sharper than they are." She took a step into the cellar and glanced over her shoulder.

Cassidy stood back, her head cast down, long, flowing brown hair covering her face. She was hesitant, to say the last. "It looks pretty dark down there." She said, peeking beyond Kaitlin.

The blonde smiled. "It'll be fine. These places have been abandoned for years, the latch was tight on that door so nothing is inside. I just want to check them out. Maybe figure out what they were used for." Kaitlin reached out with her hand. "Come on. I'll protect you." She put on her best smile and watched the slight blush fill Cassidy's cheeks before the brunette accepted her hand and the pair started down the steps of the cellar.

She was right about one thing. It was dark. Very dark. The glow from the outside fading with each step they took further inside.

Once they were encompassed by darkness, Kaitlin fired up her Omni-Tool and let the glow of orange light fill their surroundings. She held her arm out in front of them, taking in the brick walls and occasional barred wall that looked like it was mean to keep someone locked away.

"These are cells." Kaitlin said offhandedly, fascinated by everything around her.

"Like prison cells?" Cassidy whispered, her voice quivering a bit. Kaitlin nodded silently as they pressed on. "How are you not cold?" The brunette asked, moving up a bit closer behind her friend.

The closeness surprised Kaitlin who stopped and took a deep breath at the feel of Cassidy behind her. She swallowed hard, steadying her nerves. "I wore a sweatshirt." She said with a laugh in her throat before stopping. "Turn on your Omni-Tool." She said and Cassidy did as directed while Shepard's turned off.

Cassidy then watched as Kaitlin unzipped her sweater and shrugged it off her shoulders. She then moved around behind Cassidy and draped it over her gently. "There," her hands lingered on her friend's shoulder. "Think that can hold you over through the rest of the cellar?" Cassidy nodded with a smile.

It happened almost one year earlier. The first time Kaitlin realized she felt something for her best friend. Of course, it scared the hell out of her. This was her best friend, they had done so much together. They were close, like family. They'd spent more time with one another in the last three years than they had with their own families.

So she kept it to herself. She wasn't about to risk losing what she had. Kaitlin knew Cassidy didn't feel the same way, Cassidy dated boys, two of them just this last year. They both treated her like crap. Cassidy was beautiful on the outside. Curvy and tall with the biggest brown eyes of anyone on the damned colony.

Kaitlin knew that saying anything would be reckless and pointless. So she kept it to herself, let it tear her apart in the quiet of her own misery.

And took in whatever brief moments of closeness she could find.

As they continued through the underground cellar, they came to a much larger room with an open cell door and what looked to be shackles all along the walls. Kaitlin's brow furrowed and her eyes tightened as she moved in further, feeling Cassidy's presence fade behind her and the light from her Omni-Tool dim.

"Do you think they kept people down here?" Cassidy asked, worry lacing every word she spoke.

Kaitlin knew they kept people down here. She could see the stains of blood that had dried up all across the walls. The room stunk, more so when you were inside of it. She had no doubt that this was a prison of some kind. A torture chamber.

Something out of a horror vid.

"I want to go home, Katie." Cassidy said, her tone quiet and serious.

Glancing back, she caught sight of her friend's slightly shimmering face from the glow of her Omni-Tool. She was scared, legitimately scared and that was all the push Kaitlin needed. "Alright, let's go. We've explored the cellar and can now tell everyone we're the most fearless kids in the colony." She wore a bright smile as she linked her arm with her best friend and started to guide them back outside.

As they reached the bottom step that lead to the surface, the light shimmered down on them brightly.

Kaitlin could feel Cassidy's tension ease as they found clear, warm skies above them. They both closed the door to the cellar shut and Kaitlin redid the latch. A part of her was desperate to keep going, to continue her search of the cellar and see if she could find any other clues about what they were used for.

But Cassidy didn't like it down there, and so her curiosity was put on a back burner.

"This sweater is comfy." Cassidy commented as they reached the city limits of the settlement.

Kaitlin smirked. "That's cause I got all sweaty in it doing all the heavy lifting while you watched me."

"You wouldn't have got that gate open without my moral support." Cassidy retorted, equaling Katie's sarcastic tone.

"Maybe you just wanted to stare at my ass while I bent over to undo the latch." The second the word fell out of her mouth she regretted it and winced just a bit. Thankful that she was in front enough that her face couldn't be seen.

The downfall of that was she couldn't see Cassidy's expression in return and had to simply keep walking and wait.

It was quiet for far too long. Maybe it felt long than it was, but Kaitlin was sure she'd blown her cover. It was just a silly comment, no way had Cassidy understood what she meant.

Then, just as she was about to turn around and apologize, a foot came up and kicked her right in the butt. "Whatever, you have nothing on my ass, sweetie. I work hard eating brownies and cake to make this thing as round as it is."

"Ha!" Kaitlin laughed, relief washing over her in waves as she slowed down and patted her back. A moment later, Cassidy hopped up on and Kaitlin reached around to hold her up. It was one of their many unwritten rules. Whenever Katie would drag them out on some kind of long, pointless trip, she would have to carry Cassidy at least some of the way back home.

An action that Kaitlin never argued with, as Cassidy wrapped her arms safely around her best friend's neck.

* * *

Dropping her friend off just as they started up the stairs to her home, Kaitlin took a long, tired breath as she opened the door and stepped inside to the wonderful smell of bread baking in the oven.

"This is shaping up to be kind of the best day ever." She said, more to herself than anyone else, but Cassidy laughed and nodded as she tucked her hands into Kaitlin's blue camouflage jacket and followed her inside.

"Of course food would factor in to your "best day ever"." Cassidy teased as the pair moved into the kitchen where Mrs. Shepard was cooking.

Kaitlin's mother was widely considered the hottest mom on the block. And she could cook, how her father held onto her, Kaitlin would never know. Not that he wasn't a great person, but he married out of his league. And he would be the first person to admit to it.

She often wondered if that mindset was why her mom loved him so much.

Hannah Shepard was a strong woman, beautiful and probably the kindest person you could ever hope to meet. She'd had a very hard life, growing up with a father that was less than ideal from the brief things that Kaitlin knew about her mom's childhood. So when she had the opportunity to raise her own family, she made the absolute most of it.

Despite the many efforts of Kaitlin's older brother Kyle to turn all her hair white.

"Hey mom," Kaitlin said, pulling up a stool and perching herself at the counter. "What smells so good?" She asked, picking at the cheese shredded on a cutting board. Her mom swatted her hand softly with a wooden spoon.

"I'm making enchiladas and fry bread. But if you eat all the cheese then we're not going to have enough."

"You never have enough for Kate, Mom." Came another voice and they all turned to see Kyle stride into the room

Kyle was a lot of things. Star athlete, ladies' man (according to himself), arrogant, obnoxious, trouble maker who walked around in a cloud of his own narcissism and deodorant spray.

He was everyone's hero in school, the kid who could throw a ball like a professional baseball player. To Kaitlin, he was just the pain in the ass sibling who constantly tried to make passes at the girl she was only slightly in love with.

"Shut up," Kaitlin bit back, taking another bite of cheese. It was…partly true, she could eat, out eat anyone in her own family. Even the bulking mass she called a brother. Not that she didn't work it off, Kaitlin spent eighty percent of her day running. Running to school, running home from school, running to class…just running.

"I wish I could eat like you and stay that skinny," Cassidy said, pushing the cheese out of Katie's reach.

"Preachin' to the choir, dear." Hannah said with a chuckle as she turned back to the fryer.

Kyle sauntered over to the girls, stepping between where Kaitlin and Cassidy sat. He turned all his focus onto the brunette. "I think you look great." He said slyly as Kaitlin peered over his brother's shoulder to see her friend blush a bit and roll her eyes.

"Whatever, not like her." She pointed to Kaitlin. "I don't have the muscles and…stuff…she does."

Kyle scoffed. "Please, you have plenty of…" he quickly eyed her breasts. "Stuff that any—"

"Are you serious right now, Kyle Shepard?" It was their mother, her tone sharp and annoyed. "Please stop hitting on our guest and go help your father bring in the corn for dinner."

With a sigh, he nodded and moved away from the table, but not before giving Cassidy a quick wink on his exit.

Kaitlin wanted to punch him in the face. Or knee him in the groin. Maybe a combination of both, like the moves she'd been learning in her self-defense class.

"Will you be joining us for dinner tonight, Cassidy?" Hannah asked, smiling as she took the pot of beans off the stove.

Cassidy groaned and jumped off her stool. "I wish. My dad wants me to come home…probably to cook for him since Mom is off planet on the Citadel."

"I would _kill _to visit the Citadel." Kaitlin said, thinking back to all the times she'd seen it in vids and on the news. It looked so big, so full of life and opportunity. She wanted that, wanted all that and so much more than this farming colony had to offer.

She wanted to see an actual alien in person. Not on TV. She wanted to meet a Krogan and see if they were as big as they really looked. Or meet a Turian and see if they were as mean as everyone made them out to be.

But the one she wanted to meet the most, was the Asari. The most beautiful creatures she'd ever seen.

Another one of her weird fantasies that she kept to herself for fear of mockery and exile.

"Okay, well if you don't have anything to cook at home I made more than enough for your father and you."

Kaitlin moved off her own stool and lead Cassidy out.

"You have fun today?" Kaitlin asked curiously as they descended the steps to her driveway.

Cassidy shrugged and turned back to her friend. "You mean other than having you drag me into a dark, cold cellar where any number of monsters and creatures could have been waiting to kill us?" Kaitlin smirked and rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, you know you—"

A sudden explosion stopped her sentence cold. She watched the fear build in the eyes of Cassidy as another boom sounded around them. Then another, and a moment later the emergency sirens were sounding throughout the town.

Clouds of smoke started to rise into the sky from various distances and Kaitlin heard a scream behind her. She only glanced back for a second, but when she looked Cassidy again, the brunette was sprinting in the direction of her home.

Kaitlin hesitated for only a moment before rushing back inside to see what was happening. When she came in, she saw her mother on the floor, crawling as blood spilled from her mouth. The pots and pans from the dinner she was cooking lying across the floor.

She then caught sight of her brother in a tussle with three very large and very strange looking men. They weren't men at all, they were…monsters. Aliens.

Batarians. She remembered them from the vids she'd seen. They were mostly known as bullies and terrorist throughout the galaxy.

Slavers. She'd heard of Batarian Slavers hitting colonies. But that was in the Terminus systems, outside of the Alliance. They wouldn't dare come here.

"Kate!" Kyle cried, breaking her trance as he was held by one of the Aliens and kicked by another. Instinct kicked in as she picked up a pan still filled with sizzling meat and swung it as hard as she could into the head of one of her brother's attackers.

It made a sick thud on his skull and shook in her grip, meat spilling out onto the floor. As she glanced outside to the backyard that overlooked their large farming ground, she saw her father on the ground, being circled by a group of these monsters. They held guns and were taunting him, kicking him.

Beyond that she saw nothing but fire, smoke and the sights of chaos.

What was happening?

"Dad," she whispered, feeling a pair of arms wrap around her waist. She fought and struggled to find escape, but the creature holding her was strong and he started to squeeze even tighter, stealing her breath.

She then was forced to watch as one of the Batarians outside held a gun to her father's head and pulled the trigger. He collapsed over onto the ground and all the fight left her body.

A second gunshot sounded, this one much closer and suddenly the grip around her broke free and she fell to the ground with a thump. Pushing herself up, she saw her father's lifeless body just beyond the back door window and felt the bile rise up into her throat.

However, another gunshot drew her attention and she turned around to see her mother standing, wounded, with a shotgun in her hand and three dead monsters on the floor.

Hannah stumbled back against the nearest wall, blood spilling from her stomach. She'd been hurt, mostly likely before Kaitlin even made it into the house.

"Mom," she gasped, pushing up to her feet and immediately tripping over something. Looking down at her feet, she saw her brother's rumbled body on the ground, blood covering his neck. There was no life in his open eyes. He looked so…small.

Kaitlin looked to her mother, who was sliding down the wall onto her knees. "Katie…you—you have to…r—run." She managed, her eyes growing heavy with each breath she struggled to take.

That was when the back door busted open and the creatures who'd killed her father came stomping inside.

"Run!" Her mother cried in a whisper one more time and the look in her eyes was more frightening than anything Kaitlin had ever seen. She stumbled to her feet, nearly falling over as she pushed the door open and started running.

She could hear the sounds of her mother's shotgun. One shot, then a second, a third…

And then nothing. There were at least five of those…things. Three shots wouldn't have been enough.

No, no. She couldn't stop. She had to keep running. It's what she was best at. Running.

Though she had no destination. Nowhere to go.

The first thing she could truly register was that she was heading towards Cassidy's house. The world around her shook with each time her foot in the ground. Her legs were spent, but she knew if she stopped running, she would never find the strength to start again.

By the time she reached Cassidy's house, it was a mess. All the windows were broken, some of the furniture was strung outside and she could see smoke bellowing out of the roof.

She raced up the steps, listening as the chaos grew louder and louder around her. The door was already open, she merely pushed it aside and was accosted with a sight that would haunt her forever.

It was Cassidy's father, he was dead, brutalized. His body strung up on the wall like an animal.

She forced herself to look away, nearly falling over at the nausea that poured over her in waves. Her stomach lurched and she vomited all across the floor below her, using the nearest wall she could find to stay upright.

It felt surreal, like this was just a nightmare she was going to wake up from at any second. Her mind couldn't grasp what was happening. That everyone she knew was dead. It didn't process.

That was when she looked outside and saw a large group of skycars circling the settlement. They weren't from around here. They were all black and marked with symbols she didn't recognize.

She could see a huge pair of ships hovering above in the sky, darkening the ground below them.

They belonged to the monsters doing this to her settlement. To her home.

"Katie…" A gurgling voice called her name and she looked to the hallway just beyond the gruesome sight on the wall and saw Cassidy lying on the ground, crawling to reach her.

"_Cassie!" _Kaitlin cried, racing towards her and sliding on her knees to her friend's side. Cassidy was a mess, she had blood falling out of her mouth, and her eyes were glossed over. She'd been hurt. Beaten it looked like. Left for dead. "What did they do to you?" She asked, not really wanting an answer.

Cassidy couldn't give her one either way, she could barely keep her eyes open.

"Okay…" Kaitlin breathed, nodding as thought raced through her mind. They had to get some place safe. But it didn't seem like safety was anything they would ever know again. "Okay," she then grabbed Cassie's arm and pulled it around her neck. "Hold on, okay? Like always…just hold on to me."

The grip her friend had was weak and Kaitlin knew she'd be doing most of the work. She struggled to her feet, the dead weight of the brunette weighing her down. But she managed to make it up and the grip around her neck tightened just enough that she could move.

Without allowing herself a look back at the scene on the wall, Kaitlin ran.

Her feet carried deep into the forest. She had no idea what she was doing or how long she could run. But she had nowhere to go.


	2. Chapter 2

_The measure of a war varies, but the impact never does. Some wars are fought over centuries, other's in one clean battle. War can spread through many different cultures, broad of scope and out of our reach to understand the immensity._

_Other wars are fought in isolation. Quiet, unknown to the rest of the world._

_But the impact of a war is consistent, always leaving victims in its wake._

_No matter the scale._

* * *

"I really don't want to do this." Shepard sighed as she stared at herself in the mirror. The dress she was planning to wear tonight hung on said mirror, almost as if it were staring back at her, taunting her.

From her seat on the bed, Liara, already dressed in her gown, smirked. "I know, you've only said it sixteen times in the last two hours."

"It's just stupid," Shepard groaned, grabbing her dress.

"You deserve it."

"No I don't."

"Shepard," Liara started, warmth in her eyes. "Despite your best efforts to overwhelm the galaxy with modesty, you do deserve this. You _are _a hero."

Kaitlin Shepard hated hearing that; hated being called a hero. She wasn't in her own mind. She was a soldier who did her job. People had cast many titles on her, not all of them good but the only ones she'd ever cared for were Commander and friend.

The titles she had earned.

"So was Mordin, Legion, Kaidan…EDI. They deserve this more than I do"

Liara's eyes softened as she saw Shepard wilt a bit at the mention of their names.

The past six months since the war had ended were seemingly harder than the fight itself. Shepard was found beneath the rubble of the Citadel, her body in shreds, but still alive. It was only a month ago that she started walking again without crutches. Still, she was riddled with nightmares and symptoms of PTSD; something they both struggled with from time to time.

The horrors of the Reaper War, as it was now known, lingered throughout the galaxy. The Citadel still had years of repair left. The Mass Relays were being fixed slowly, but steadily and the number of dead around the galaxy was still being tallied.

"They will be honored as well, Shepard. You know that," Liara said, moving over to help her bondmate zip the long, white dress up the back. Casting her head down, Shepard let her now long, blonde hair fall into her face as she stared at her bare feet sticking out of the bottom of her gown. They were worn, broken and battered. The feet of a soldier; not meant for things such as this.

"Do you think the Admirals would be upset if I wore my combat boots with this?" She asked, seriously, making Liara chuckle.

"I would imagine you might stand out a bit." Liara finished zipping her up and moved around to the front. "We both know how much you hate standing out."

"True," she smiled, looking into the Asari's bright blue eyes. "I'm kinda hoping Jack wears something really crazy so she can draw most of the attention."

"Oh I think you can count on that," Liara quipped, pushing Shepard towards the mirror. "You look beautiful."

Shepard had to admit, she looked better then she had expected, but it still felt more like looking at a stranger than at her own reflection. Her body was meant for heavy armor, guns strapped to her back. This just didn't feel right.

Liara reached up and pulled back Shepard's hair, gently placing it behind her ears and running a comb through it.

"I swear, you humans and your hair. It's such a hassle."

"I could go bald like Jack was," Shepard suggested, watching Liara's reaction.

The Asari glanced at her through the mirror. "Is that right? Perhaps you could tattoo my name across the back of your bald head?"

This drew out a sharp chuckle from Shepard as she settled back against Liara who continued to try and fix her hair. "Or maybe it could say 'I killed off the Reapers and all I got was this lousy haircut?"

"Too many words."

Shepard grinned. "Oh right, _that's _the problem."

A silence fell between them as Liara finished combing Shepard's hair and settled it gently across her shoulders and down her back. They stood together in front of the mirror, neither of them really looking, just listening to the quiet.

"I'm not used to this." Shepard said thoughtfully. Liara gave her a questioning look. "The quiet. Just…feels weird that my big concerns now are public events like this. Sometimes I think fighting Collectors was easier."

"I don't know what you're so worried about. Tonight is going to be wonderful." Liara sauntered around Shepard to look into her eyes. Seeking a reason behind all of this anxiety. "Everyone will be there, friends we haven't seen in months. Garrus and Tali are both flying in. It will be a great night." Shepard turned her gaze to the floor. Liara placed a finger beneath the human's chin and tilted her head back up. "Hey, it's _your _night. Please enjoy it."

Shepard nodded and plastered on her best smile.

Tonight _was_ her night, and she was going to do whatever she wanted with it.

* * *

Fatigue was still something Shepard dealt with from time to time. Her body was not in the shape it was during the war. She'd spent most of the last six months on either bed rest or being pushed around in a wheelchair.

So standing around talking to anyone and everyone who came her way (which was literally everyone) started to take its toll just about the time they all decided it was time for the speeches.

As she sat down at her table, Shepard felt a large hand press firmly against her back. Looking over her shoulder, she stared into the worn, scarred face of Urdnot Wrex, grinning from ear to ear at her.

"Shepard!" He cried out, jostling her in her chair. She stood, as did Liara, and gave Wrex as good a hug as she could muster. She was glad to see him, she knew he'd survived the fight, but this was the first she'd seen him since Earth.

"Wrex, tactful as ever I see." She said as he wrapped his large arms around her. Shepard just knew that Liara was standing behind them, silently warning Wrex to be careful because his embrace was as gentle as the Krogan had probably ever been in his life.

Pulling back, Wrex chuckled deeply. "I knew the Reapers couldn't kill you."

"Damned if they didn't try though."

He nodded. "It's good to see you, glad I could escape Tuchanka long enough to be here."

"How is Tuchanka?" Liara asked, moving up to greet Wrex as well.

"Crowded," he said, though he seemed quite pleased with this. "We're rebuilding our race, ready to expand. The Council has agreed to help us find some space out in the Hades Gamma cluster. They're pretty much wasteland planets with little on them. But…we've done more with less."

"That's great, Wrex," Shepard said as they all sat back down again. "How's Eve—er—Urdnot Bakara?"

"Doing well enough, she's got her hands full with keeping the males in line but it seems to be working. With a future to look forward to, my people are starting to calm a little. Still like to go out to the valleys and fight just for the hell of it. But we can be domestic."

Liara laughed softly, drawing their attention. "Sorry, I'm picturing Wrex in an apron cooking roast Varren."

"Ugh," Wrex growled. "Don't remind me. Have you seen the food they're serving here? Such small amounts? What are they feeding…Volus?"

"At least they have food here you can eat." Another voice sounded behind them and Shepard's face lit up. She stood almost too fast, her head spinning a bit, but it didn't matter. She saw them both walking in, together, and her agony of the night soothed back a bit. "Poor Tali and I are just gonna have to go hungry I suppose."

"Garrus," Shepard whispered, moving in quickly to embrace him. He laughed in her ear, hugging her back. Shepard reached out with her left arm and pulled Tali into the hug as well. "Tali, it's so great to see you both."

Tali broke away first, her masked face staring at Shepard. "We would have come sooner but the rebuilding on Palaven has been nonstop. The Quarian Fleet is helping as best they can."

"They're doing more than that," said Garrus, pulling back. "It'll be years before my home world is…home again. But with the help we're getting…it's possible."

As the night carried on and the speeches were given by people from various races and levels of government, more of Shepard's friends and crewmates piled in. Jacob and his new family showed up, dressed up in full Alliance garb. Miranda arrived and put everyone to shame with her perfect dress, perfect hair and perfect everything, making Shepard wish she had worn her combat boots instead of trying to look ladylike wearing heels she could barely walk in. Ashley drank way too much, talking everyone's ear off and doing her best to make everyone smile.

The night became fairly hazy for Shepard, she could tell that Liara was feeling the same way; overwhelmed by it all. They stayed close together, sitting at their table and making people come to them. And come they did. Strangers came by in droves to thank Shepard for saving them, all with stories and tragedies of their own to share.

Shepard had only done her job, but it wasn't until now that she realized the true impact of what her work had meant; of the people she'd helped without even knowing it. The grand scale of the war had kept all of this reality at a distance.

A family barricaded in their basement as husks pounded down the door, only to be saved when she started the Crucible.

The mother who'd lost her daughter to a Cerberus attack on the Citadel, and was now taking care of orphaned kids all across the wards because Shepard had stopped them from seizing power.

So many stories and yet, all of them touched her.

It wasn't until Admiral Hackett took the stand to give his speech that Shepard knew she was in trouble.

"It is…my honor to be standing in front of you all tonight." Hackett's voice was as steady as ever. He stood tall, proud and intimidating looking down at everyone. "However, I can't stand here right now and pretend that I deserve to be here. That I'm the one who _should _be making this speech." As his gaze found Shepard in the crowd, she knew where he was going. Her heart started to break. "A good friend of mine once told me; we do what we must, whether we deserve the opportunity or not. If it's there, if it's possible, we take the chance and we do what we must." Hackett swallowed heavily, his own words getting to him. "That was Admiral Anderson. The bravest…and best soldier I ever knew. And a friend." Liara took Shepard's hand, but she couldn't focus on that, she was just listening. "Every soldier that we lost in this war matters. Every life counts, every loss hurts. I don't care what race they came from, what their back story is or how they were taken from us. They _matter._ Anderson believed in that. He gave back what he was given tenfold. If you treated him well, he would do his best to move mountains for you."

Hackett shifted in his spot, staring out at the vast crowd that watched him anxiously. "I'll never forget the first day he told me about his new XO. He just called her…Shepard. Said she had the brightest future of any soldier he'd ever seen."

"You okay?" Liara mouthed to Shepard who nodded, trying to steel herself as his praise poured over her.

"Her backstory certainly made all his claims seem like a stretch. But that's why we don't judge people on paper. I have never in my life met a person that could find the absolute best in anyone…no matter the situation. There has been so much written about _Commander _Shepard over the course of her career but so little is known…about _Kaitlin_ Shepard. As we close the door on the greatest war any of us will ever know, I hope we can take the time to understand and appreciate just how much was given by everyone who fought back in this war. From the soldier who died, nameless and alone in an unmarked battlefield. To the woman who took the final shot in freeing us all from war. Tonight…we honor them, tonight…we honor _her. _Commander Shepard. Thank you."

Suddenly, a boisterous clap erupted throughout the room, everyone started to stand and cheer and Shepard cast her gaze to Liara and then across the table to Garrus and Wrex who were clapping as well. She closed her eyes and stood, keeping her head down as she made her way to the podium for a speech she hadn't prepared, for praise she didn't want or think she deserved.

It took the audience a good two minutes to stop clapping and hollering. When they did, she looked up from the podium at the expectant faces all around and took a slow, deep breath.

"I—I appreciate this," she started, feeling her resolve firm up a bit. "Sincerely…but please…please don't think of me as the hero. Not just me. _Everyone_ here played a part. Everyone we_ lost_ played a part. This war would be lost without _their_ sacrifices. Kaidan Alenko, Mordin Solus, Thane Krios, Legion, EDI, Tarquin Victus, Nyreen Kandros, Kal'Reeger…Admiral Anderson. The names of the heroes could go on forever. So don't honor me, honor _them_…all of them. Honor yourselves, because you fought…because you _lived_…because you refused to give in." Taking a step back from the podium. Shepard stood upright and saluted the crowd. "My name is Commander Shepard! I am a soldier in the Alliance Navy and tonight,_ I'm _surrounded by heroes."

There was silence at first, and Shepard couldn't help but think for a moment that she'd made a huge fool out of herself.

Then, as if on cue, her constant wingman had her back.

Garrus stood up from his seat, tall and proud, drawing all the eyes of those around him.

And saluted her.

Liara followed suit, along with Ashley, and then Tali. James rose next, followed by Wrex, Jacob and Miranda. One by one her crew stood and saluted her. Then the row of Alliance soldiers all stood up in unison and the rest of the races' fleets followed.

Shepard dropped her hands to her sides and felt her skin prickle with goosebumps as she stared out at everyone, still standing…even some still saluting.

She stepped back up to the microphone. "Now, let's enjoy our freedom and respect our peace. Thank you."

* * *

"That was beautiful, Shepard," Liara said as they all started to make their way out of the ballroom. Shepard was in front with Liara not far behind. Garrus and Tali trailing them in stride, holding hands.

"Really?" She asked, glancing back to catch Liara's nod. "It felt corny as hell but…I didn't want people to think I won the war on my own. Or that I thought that I did. Garrus, I'm so glad you stood up, I was worried I'd lost my mind for a second."

Garrus let out a raspy chuckle. "It's only natural that I salute my Commander."

Shepard rolled her eyes with a grin. Garrus hadn't called her 'Commander' in years.

"How long do you think it'll last?" Shepard asked, stopping as she stared up at the false sky above the Citadel. "The peace?"

Liara sighed, fidgeting with the gloves she was wearing that matched her gown. "Until the first disagreement I'd assume. The decision on the next Human member of the Council should provide excellent means for discontent." Shepard smiled at this. "Or until they begin reconstruction on the Citadel Embassies and can't decide whose offices should be larger than the other races.

The group laughed at Liara's joke that certainly had the chance to be completely true.

"You ready to go home?" Shepard asked her bondmate, who nodded tiredly. "Are you two going to be on the Citadel for a while?" She asked Tali and Garrus.

"I am," Garrus said, adjusting his dress clothes for the thousandth time that night. "Tali here has to return to Rannoch in the morning though."

Tali cast her head down to the floor. "We're…clearing out the bodies of the Geth. After the red…shockwave raced through the galaxy, they all sort of faltered and fell where they stood."

An unbelievable amount of guilt washed over Shepard in that moment. She knew it had happened, the same as what happened to the Reapers. To all synthetic life. But to wipe out a race, the same race she'd helped survive in the first place, was devastating.

Her mind hadn't even processed the thought of losing EDI, using the same process of denial that'd led everyone to ignore the absence of their pilot at tonight's festivities.

"It was good to see you, both of you." Shepard moved up to give Tali a hug, which the Quarian was quick to accept. Pulling away, she looked to the Turian. "Garrus? Lunch tomorrow?" She offered her hand, he accepted.

"Sure, it might be more in the afternoon though. I have a meeting with C-Sec at mid day."

Shepard quirked her brow. "You planning on going back to work at Citadel security?"

"Oh hell no," Garrus chuckled. "After saving the galaxy with a Spectre? There's no way I could stand post at a Purgatory toilet and expect to be satisfied. I need adventure." Shepard grinned widely. "No I'm hoping to convince them, convince Commander Bailey to let the Krogan up into the Presidium, to help with the rebuilding."

"They have earned their chance to be amongst the Council races again." Liara said sincerely as she opened the door to her and Shepard's arriving skycar.

"They trust Wrex, he knows what he's doing. With Turian support…I think they have a shot." Shepard patted Garrus' shoulder before turning back to Liara. "Contact me when you arrive safely on Rannoch, Tali."

"Will do." She said, her voice more upbeat than before. "Garrus?" She glanced at her friend. "She has an early flight, don't keep her up to late, okay?" She ordered with a glimmer in her eye.

On cue, Garrus stiffened his stance and saluted. "Yes, Ma'am!"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Get the hell out of here," she laughed, before climbing in beside Liara who started the car and pulled away.

* * *

"You've been awfully quiet since we got back," Liara slid over in the bed to where Shepard was sitting with her legs hanging off of the side, wringing her hands, deep in thought.

Taking a slow, deep breath, she closed her eyes. "I was thinking about…EDI." She felt Liara tense behind her. "When I destroyed the Reapers…I knew it would take her too." She let out a strained chuckle. "Hell, I almost didn't – _couldn't _– do it. I thought, maybe the Reapers wipe out the galaxy in 100 years. At least she would get to spend more time with Joker."

"It's not your fault," Liara whispered, kissing the space between Shepard's shoulder blades.

"It _is_ though," she countered. "It was the right choice to destroy the Reapers…I know that. I just wish I could get ahold of him. Apologize to him."

"He will come around eventually."

"I don't know. After reading the reports about Tiptree and…hearing what happened to his family…his sister. How does _anybody_ come back from that?" Shepard's voice was painfully quiet, her mind racing with a million different images.

Liara anchored her, touched her and spoke softly. "_You_ did."

"Ha," she murmured, dryly. "I don't suppose constantly blocking out memories _really_ counts as moving on."

"Shepard," Liara sat up on the bed, swinging her legs off of it so she could sit side by side with the human. "I've never asked you about Mindoir because I assumed that when you were ready to speak of it, you would." Shepard lowered her head, blonde hair falling into her face as her mind traveled back to her childhood home. "The war is over now. The galaxy isn't depending on you to save them any longer. It's _okay_ now to take time for your_self_."

Bracing against her knees, Shepard ran her hands through her hair and nodded. "I—I joined the military when I was eighteen because…if I hadn't, I would have ended up in jail or dead. I was angry, bitter…I think a part of me wished that I had died—" the name of her home planet stuck in her throat, "—back there. Like I was supposed to die with everyone else. I had no family, no friends…no purpose. So I just consumed myself with military work. Arcturus, Elysium, the N7 program. Whatever I could do to keep myself busy." Liara listened intently; she had never heard Shepard speak of her childhood. Even during their bondings, those parts of her mind were blocked. Liara could never breach the memories of Shepard's past. "I hid in a cellar for eighteen hours…while the Batarians tore my planet apart. They stole children and killed their parents. They burned houses with people tied up, alive, inside of them." A tear streaked down her cheek, Shepard brushed it away furiously; she hated this. "The only reason the Alliance found me at all was because I had given up. I was going walk into the street and hope they gunned me down."

"Shepard," Liara whispered, shaking as the images played out in her mind. "I didn't mean to make you relive that…I'm sorry."

"Sometimes I get angry…angry at myself for being alive. I don't deserve it any more than anyone else I grew up with. My brother—"

"You had a brother?" There was genuine shock in Liara's voice.

Shepard chuckled and nodded. "Yeah…Kyle. He was…arrogant and kinda like James." They both smiled. "But I think about what he could have been. A professional baseball player, a marine…instead of me. A father." Her voice broke at that word, but she quickly steeled herself. "I never even said goodbye to them. Never had the chance." Liara took her hand. "They're all buried on…_Mindoir_. I didn't go the big ceremony when the settlement was rebuilt."

"Maybe we could," Liara offered, suddenly and hopefully, as if she had not really meant to speak at all, but the words had just tumbled out of her mouth. She seemed hesitant of Shepard's response.

"What?"

The Asari shrugged. "I just…maybe it would be good to see them…to say goodbye. The relay to the Attican Traverse is operational."

Shepard stood in a rush. "Liara…_no_…I can't go back there, it's not the same." Her voice was both harsh and sharp as she stepped into the adjacent bathroom, gripping the cold marble of the sink.

"Don't you want to see them again, now that this is all over?" Liara asked, moving up behind Shepard and touching her shoulders.

"It wouldn't be them. It's just their names carved into stone."

She could see Liara's reflection smiling in the mirror. "I know you're not big on Gods and Goddesses, but…I also know that you believe life doesn't end when we die here. So…maybe they're waiting for you. I think your family, your home…deserves to know that its daughter is a hero." Shepard was ready to protest. "Despite what she thinks, she _is _a hero."

"It's not going to be easy," Shepard said, seriously as she looked at Liara through the bathroom mirror.

The Asari smiled. "I think we can manage."


	3. Chapter 3

**AN/ **Just want to say a quick thank you to everyone who has reviewed and followed/favorited. I really appreciate the support. This story will be jumping between timelines, as you'll pick up on, between Shepard as a girl, and then her in the present time after the Reaper War.

Any questions, feel free to ask them in a review and I will be happy to answer.

* * *

_"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever."_

* * *

The weight of Cassidy's limp body on her back made running difficult. She was beginning to feel tightness in her muscles as the sunlight faded in the sky and dusk began to set. Eventually, she couldn't go any further. The sounds of devastation that were currently rocking her colony had wilted with the distance. Kaitlin sank to her knees, trying desperately to keep Cassidy up on her back.

She rolled to her side and gently laid her best friend down in the cold, wet grass. Pushing herself up, she saw Cassidy was conscious, though she looked to be in a fog; her wounds were deep, still bleeding.

Kaitlin didn't know much about healing injuries. If she'd been thinking straight she would have grabbed some Medi-Gel to bring with her, but she hadn't. How could she have even possibly thought of anything like that as she watched her family…

No. She cut her mind off completely; she couldn't think about any of that. It would only end up getting them both killed if she broke down now.

Looking down at Cassidy, she felt her heart break. This beautiful girl had done nothing to bring herself this pain; she was probably the most innocent person on Mindoir. This was the same girl who'd once cheated on an Alien Studies test and felt so guilty about it that she'd turned herself in and wrote a six page paper about why cheating was wrong without even being asked to do so.

But the girl Kaitlin saw now did not bear any resemblance to the memories of that girl from school. Cassidy's face was bruised and battered, her left eye was swollen shut and large chunks of her hair had been ripped out. Worst of all, Kaitlin had no idea how to help her, where to take her or what to do with her. There were wounds – maybe she was shot – Kaitlin didn't know, but she knew she couldn't help her.

Cassidy started to tremble violently and groan in pain.

"Whoa," Kaitlin cried, cradling the girl in her arms as droplets of rain started to fall from the sky. "Hey, hey…I'm here. You're okay…Cassie, come on. _Stay _with me." The truth was, Kaitlin was terrified of losing Cassie, of being alone out here. This was all she had left and, if Cassidy was gone, there would be nothing.

The sound of chattering teeth below her reminded Kaitlin that they couldn't stay out here in the rain like this. Cassidy was weak enough without her body having to fight off the chill in the air. She needed to get them somewhere safer; warmer.

That was when she remembered their adventure from earlier that day. It was hard to fathom that it was still the same day; it felt like another life when, in reality, it had only been a few hours before.

"Okay," she nodded, trying to find courage. "Okay, come on." She once again pulled Cassie up by the arm and hoisted her onto her back.

This time Cassie gave no help in carrying her own weight and Kaitlin felt her legs tense to the point of strain as she forced herself up. Barely able to move, she limped with a fully grown teenager on her back and hurried in the direction of the cellar.

It was close, she'd moved deeper into the woods than she'd originally thought.

Kaitlin gently lay Cassidy against the cold, damp earth, brushing the wet hair from her face as she started to fight with the latch of the cellar in frustration. Her body was weak, exhausted from the running; she could hardly focus as her vision blurred and her heart raced erratically. Kaitlin's mind was blank, and she was unable to process anything but the movement of her arms and legs as she worked. All she could do was keep working, because if she stopped, she would never find the strength to start moving again.

With all the effort she could muster, the latch gave way and the door to the cellar swung open, crashing loudly against the hard ground. She froze, worried that it was _too _loud and someone would hear them; find them.

After a moment had passed, Kaitlin moved once more, laboriously hoisting her best friend up off the ground. She inched backward down the stairs, wary of Cassidy's body and trying not to hit her head on anything. Kaitlin kept her close, listening intently to Cassidy's breathing as a touchstone to keep her focused in the present and keep her mind where it needed to be.

Once they'd reached the bottom step, Kaitlin carefully sank to her knees and carefully set Cassidy down across the hard floor. Kaitlin was covered in blood – Cassie's blood – and this made her realize that shelter alone wasn't going to be enough.

"Hey," she said, drawing Cassie's eyes to her. Kaitlin smiled as tears welled up in her eyes, before streaking down her cheeks. "I need to take your jacket off, okay? To check your injuries."

Cassidy closed her eyes. "You're no…doctor."

"Ha," Kaitlin chuckled in a broken voice, "I'm all you've got." She winked before slowly unzipping the hoodie Cassie was wearing. It was _her _hoodie.

As soon as it came open, she wished she'd left it shut . There were open wounds unevenly gashed over her chest and stomach. They were nothing but morbid, horrifying holes; full of pus and bleeding. The t-shirt she was wearing underneath had been ripped to shreds, making bile rise in Kaitlin's throat. She covered her mouth to keep from vomiting and looked at the ceiling to regain control of her senses after the sight of the raw, gory flesh.

"_Focus,"_ she growled at herself. Taking a deep breath, she retrained her gaze on Cassidy's eyes again and found comfort when she noticed the girl staring back at her. "Alright now, don't get too excited, I'm about to take my shirt off." She attempted to joke, but received very little response as she pulled the t-shirt she was wearing up and over her head. The chill hit her bare skin hard, making her shiver immediately, but she ignored it and tore her shirt into four pieces.

Taking a piece of cloth, she pressed it against the largest of Cassidy's wounds, along her stomach where blood had been gushing. Using her free hand, she grabbed the other pieces and lay them against the other visible wounds, applying as much pressure as possible. As the minutes passed, Kaitlin held her friend tightly and fought to keep her mind clear. Finally, a brush against her wrist got her attention. When she looked down, Cassidy was staring at her through heavy lidded eyes.

"You're beautiful," Cassidy whispered weakly as her waxy face grew even paler, and the light in her eyes began to fade. Kaitlin felt her heart shatter in that moment. It was everything she'd wanted, but so far past anything she could possibly have now. "You…should run." Cassie told her, feebly squeezing Kaitlin's arm.

The blonde shook her head slowly. "I don't have anywhere to go. You're all I have left."

A loud explosion sounded close by, making Kaitlin's head snap toward the open entrance of the cellar. Soaking wet and shaking, she rose carefully and climbed the ladder to shut it. At the surface, she heard the rumbling sound of cars passing in the distance. They were ground cars judging by the sound of their wheels grating across the old roads. Whatever it was, it was large and heavy, rattling the ground beneath it.

When she returned, Kaitlin hugged her arms around herself to try and find some kind of warmth before resuming her position at Cassidy's side. Clad in nothing but a cheap sports bra and jeans, there was no way to survive the now frigid air. She worried she might not survive the night like this after using her shirt to stop Cassie's bleeding. Neither of them was in any condition for this.

With the silence came the realization that her family was truly gone. She would never see her mom smile again. Never again would her dad complain about a wild animal eating his crops. Kaitlin would never argue with her brother just for the hell of it. There was nothing. Her home. Her house. Her family.

All gone.

All that remained was this horrid cellar, and the fading breaths of a girl she was fairly certain she was in love with. Despite her denial, Kaitlin knew Cassidy was not going to see morning again. So, she cried, curling up in the corner and sobbing until her body could take no more and she fell asleep.

When she opened her eyes again, it was light out. The cold made her body stiff, barely able to move, but sunlight streamed through the bars of the cellar door above. For a moment, she lost herself as she stared up at the clear sky and stared at the trees fluttering in the light wind.

Reality rushed back like a thief, stealing the beauty from the moment as she remembered the icy ground against her bare skin. The memory of what had happened crashed over her like a tidal wave, nearly consuming her in its immensity, but she gritted her teeth and pushed it aside. Her head lolled to the side, eyes falling on Cassidy's unmoving form.

The eyes were closed, head hanging limply toward her, set in a lifeless, eternal sleep. Kaitlin stared at the chest, willing it to move, but it was too late.

Along with everything else, Cassidy was gone.

It was as if Novocain had replaced the blood in her veins. Rolling onto her stomach, Kaitlin pushed up to her knees and felt nothing. The cold was gone, the pain disappeared and she could feel no more. Crawling to her friend, she dropped a gentle kiss on cold lips and rested her cheek against Cassidy's before standing and wrapping herself in the blood stained sweatshirt that she'd discarded. It was heavy and crusty with dried blood, but it was better than the alternative. Every step up the ladder felt like climbing a mountain, but she found the will and pushed the cellar door open, stepping out into the forest again.

It seemed like she'd been walking forever, lost in a fog. Nothing mattered; nothing resonated. The heavy rumble sounded around her once again, but she didn't stop. She knew she was heading back toward the settlement, but home was the only place she knew, even if it wasn't _there_ anymore. It was all she could do.

By the time she reached the main road that split the town from the forest, it was mid-day. The charred remains of her childhood lay before her, visible through the smoky air. The instinct to flee was overwhelming, but her legs continued toward it as if with a mind of their own.

"Hey!" A voice called out. Kaitlin stopped in the road, silently praying for a bullet to find her and take her away completely. Heavy footsteps became louder, but she didn't run, only waited with her head down and her eyes closed.

_Just make it fast and painless,_ she prayed.

Something soft and warm fell over her shoulders, cloaking her in warmth and sinking through to her skin. Opening her eyes, she saw a large man – human – standing before her dressed in camouflage and an Alliance military hat. Beyond him, sat a fleet of trucks and tanks.

It was the first time she'd ever seen a real soldier before. They rarely came this far out into the system.

"Hey," he said again, grabbing by the shoulders, evaluating her condition. "Are you hurt?" His voice was soft; his face comforting. Kaitlin didn't answer, soaking in the warmth of the blanket. The sudden comfort made it clear just how cold she'd been. "Come on, Kid. We have to get you to safety."

When she didn't follow him, he patiently lifted her into his arms and carried her to one of the trucks. She let him carry her without a fight, completely silent as he set her into the backseat of a large truck full of soldiers. She could feel their concerned eyes watching her as her rescuer climbed into the seat beside her, muttering something to the driver about no being safe. A moment later, the convoy started moving again. Chill started to set in on Kaitlin, and she began to involuntarily tremble. A large arm fell over her shoulder and pulled her against a warm, sturdy body. Closing her eyes, she sank into the comforting feeling, finally allowing herself to sleep.

When she woke, Kaitlin found herself lying on something soft. The ceiling above her was steel, rounded out at the top like a submarine, and there were florescent lights all around. There were at least four blankets on her, allotting for the warmth she felt. For a moment, she considered tucking back into them and trying to fall into the same, dreamless sleep she'd been enjoying.

"Ah, I see you're finally coming around." A woman spoke, her voice gentle and intent obviously not to startle. Kaitlin sat up, noticing an older woman with graying hair moving toward her with a kind smile on her face. She wore a long, white lab coat and was carrying a data pad. Kaitlin instinctively brought her knees to her chest as her mind was assaulted by the pain and finality of all that had happened and been lost. She couldn't help but wonder if she would ever be able to stop reliving it whenever she woke. It was enough to make her strongly consider never sleeping again.

"How are you feeling, dear? Warm?" The woman asked as she pulled a rolling stool next to the bed and sat down. Kaitlin didn't feel like answering, but her mother had taught her to always treat people well who treated you well, and clearly this woman had done something for her. So, she nodded, kept her head down, but nodded all the same.

"Good, good. Do you have pain? Are you hungry? I could get you something from the Mess."

At this point, she couldn't imagine trying to eat anything or even finding the strength to lift a utensil; her stomach was already knotted up enough.

"What day is it?" She wondered aloud, making the woman give her a sympathetic smile.

"It's Friday, hon. You've been asleep for about fifteen hours now."

Though she already knew the answer, she asked, "We're not on Mindoir anymore…are we?" The woman shook her head, confirming this.

"No. We're aboard SSV Eagle. It's a Human Alliance ship. You're safe here."

Silence fell between them for a long beat, before the older woman rolled her stool back and stood. "I'm going to notify the Commander that you've woken up. He'll be glad to know, since he's the one that brought you here." She started toward the door.

"I left her," Kaitlin whispered, making the doctor pause and turn back, studying her.

"I'm sorry?"

Kaitlin shifted her green eyes toward the lady, truly seeing her for the first time. "I left her…in the cellar. My best friend." A tear streaked down her cheek, though her ashen face remained expressionless. "I'm pretty sure she was dead though." She sniffled and finally brushed at her face. "What did we do?" She asked, curiously. her voice breaking on the final word.

"You didn't do anything, dear."

She shook her head vigorously. "No…it has to be something. Nobody would attack us like that for nothing. What did we do?"

"Nothing," the woman moved back to the bed and bent to eye level, hesitantly reaching out and touching Kaitlin's shoulder. "We didn't do anything. There are some very bad people in this galaxy. People that we in the Alliance are fighting against." Kaitlin looked down into her lap, letting her blonde hair shield her face like a golden curtain. "I wish I could tell you why this happens. But I'm afraid I can't. I can promise you, however, that you are safe here." Kaitlin hugged her knees tighter and tucker her head between them.

Numbly, she sighed. "I'm not afraid anymore."

The doctor's face indicated that she knew why Kaitlin had said it. The girl had nothing left worth living for, so why should she be afraid of anything? The door behind them opened, making Kaitlin look up to see a large man enter the room. He emanated virile confidence, holding his head high, but she found comfort in his bright eyes, seeing kindness.

"Ah, Dr. Chakwas, I see our patient is up," he said in a deep, booming voice. Kaitlin lowered her head again.

"Yes. Doing quite well in fact."

"Good," the man said, moving closer. "Good. The whole ship has been worrying about you. They'll be glad to know you're doing well."

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Kaitlin looked up at him again. His eyes were brown, matching the shade of his skin. There was nothing she could find but sincerity in his fretful features.

"Who are you?" She asked, tiredly.

"Commander Anderson. Though between you and me, I will be making the rank of Captain in no less than a month, if I'm lucky. Heaven knows I do most of the work around here anyways." He joked, but she could tell that he didn't expect her to burst out laughing.

She didn't.

"What's your name?" He asked, placing his hands behind his back.

"Kaitlin…" Her voice was quiet, but steady, "Kaitlin Shepard."

Extending his hand, he smiled. "Nice to meet you, Kaitlin. You can call me David."


	4. Chapter 4

"Twenty minutes out, Commander Shepard," The pilot called over the intercom. Of course, it wasn't _her _pilot; it wasn't even her ship. She and Liara had booked passage on a private Alliance transport ship out to the Attican Traverse. They were given private quarters on the ship, a suite, and, with the two day trip, they had made the most of it.

Shepard was a bit on edge, however, both anxious and nervous, driving Liara nuts with her constant pacing and mood swings. If there was one thing Liara could always count on with Shepard, it was that her bondmate was good at keeping a level head, through any situation.

But something about this was setting her off; unsettling her.

"Thank you," she replied to the pilot, before returning to the task of cleaning her gun. It was things like this that calmed her down; things no one else really knew about during their battle against the Reapers. Simple tasks such as this (or putting together model ships), made the downtime more bearable.

Having lived a life with so much horror, with so many painful images and harsh memories, having too much time to think was something she tended to avoid at all costs.

As Shepard took apart the chamber of her gun and swabbed it out, Liara sat on the bed, data pads spread out in front of her. Even though the war was over, she still tasked herself with the chores of the Shadow Broker. It was nothing as severe as it had been six months earlier, but it was still a job that needed doing. They had both agreed that it was better for her – someone trustworthy – to hold so many contacts and information on the galaxy, rather than to let it fall into the wrong hands.

As she looked up from her work, Liara saw Shepard rubbing her heavy lidded eyes. The Asari knew that Shepard hadn't been sleeping well for some time now. She knew Shepard had her share of awful nightmares; both of them did. But Liara had more control over her own mind; she could wall off parts of it and shield herself. Shepard had no such ability, so she was throttled with images and memories at random moments, such as when she was asleep and her guard was down.

"Shepard," Liara murmured, drawing her attention. "Maybe you should put the gun away and clean up, we'll be there shortly."

Shepard stared down at her hands, which were smudged sooty black from her gun. She sighed, setting aside the pieces of her pistol and standing. Liara was still unsure why the Commander had brought them in the first place.

"Alright, I uh…I'm gonna take a quick shower then," She said, earning a warm smile and a nod from Liara.

Moving into the bathroom, she closed the door behind her and started to remove her uniform, letting the straps fall from her shoulders. She dumped the out piece onto the floor, before stripping off her white undershirt and tossing it aside. As she caught her reflection in the mirror, she took note of the scars on her body that no one ever saw. There was a long slice down her shoulder and a dent in her abdomen; wounds of a soldier that everyone deemed invincible. Tearing her eyes away, she reached into the shower and turned on the water, waiting for it to heat.

To say she was afraid of coming back to this place would be a monumental understatement; she was _terrified_. It was the setting of her worst nightmares and the cause of her deepest wounds. It was the place she'd buried her past, locking her memories away with no hope for escape.

People knew her story; that was public record. Hell, there was even a book about her _childhood_ for sale throughout the galaxy. But no one knew the true story. Nobody knew that she'd watched helplessly as her family was slaughtered. No one knew that she'd carried her bleeding, dying friend into a cellar. No one knew that Cassidy had never left that cellar. Not even Liara. There was too much tied to her past and what had happened after she'd been rescued. There were too many things that Shepard was not proud of. Who she had become after losing everything was the very thing she still was running away from. It was a woman who emerged on occasion, such as when she'd been working with Cerberus; angry, sometimes ruthless and, perhaps, uncaring. It was the very same woman who looked in a mirror and saw long healed scars and what they represented.

They were a permanent reminder of who she was and what she could have become.

Even in her darkest hours, Shepard couldn't help wondering what her family would think of who she'd become. Not Commander Shepard, the heroic soldiers whose face was emblazoned on recruitment ads and billboards to reassure people that all was well. No, she wondered what they would think of the woman whose name was Kaitlin. What would they make of their daughter and sister? Would they be proud of the sacrifices she'd made; killing three hundred thousand civilians to save a trillion more?

Tears stung her eyes, and Shepard rested her forehead against the cool tile of the shower wall. A mirthless laugh left her lips because she'd devoted so much of her life to saving everyone else that she hadn't even noticed how pathetically tragic her own life had become.

She'd saved the galaxy, but she had no idea how to save herself.

* * *

As they entered the Mindoir docking port, Shepard put on her N7 hooded jacket, covering her head and hoped no one would recognize her. Their trip here had not been made public knowledge; she didn't want anyone to make a big deal out of her returning home for the first time in seventeen years. Although, it was a bit hard not to stand out when her Asari companion was wearing a loud yellow outfit, looking more gorgeous than anyone who had ever set foot in the damn docking port.

Shepard gave Liara an appraising once over, smirking as she approached Liara from behind at the ship's exit. "Really?" She asked dryly, gesturing to the ensemble.

Looking over her shoulder, Liara painted her expression with innocence. "What?"

"Here I am with no makeup, my sweatshirt and raggedy jeans on and you look like you're running for Miss Thessia."

Liara furrowed her brow in confusion. "What in the Goddesses name is "_Miss_ Thessia"?"

"Not the point," She groaned, "you look amazing!" Shepard complained, running her hand over the fabric of Liara's outfit.

"This is…bad?" Liara looked askance down at her clothing.

"Not bad just…I was trying to go for a more low profile look."

"Ah," Liara nodded knowingly, handing over her identification to the security officer. This whole place meant business when it came to security. "So is that why you appear as if you might rob this place and stuff as much as you can into the pockets of your sweatershirt?"

Shepard attempted to suppress a chuckle. "It's _sweat_shirt, and yes. That's exactly why I look like this. I don't want anyone knowing I'm back here." She dropped her voice to a whisper so nobody around could hear them.

"You are such a…oh what was that charming word Ashley used for Miranda. A _diva_?" Liara had a wry grin on her face and a mischievous gleam in her cerulean eyes.

Shepard scowled. "I don't like that you're learning so many human words to make fun of me with. What's the Asari word for smart ass?" The blonde asked, sauntering up to Liara's side and grabbing her hand.

Liara looked into her bondmate's eyes and smirked. "Shepard."

"What?"

"No," a broader smile from Liara. "That's the word for smart ass in Asari dialect. _Shepard_."

"That's it," Shepard put her hands up, turning away from Liara. "I'm not putting out on this trip." This earned her an eye roll.

"Oh yes," Liara scoffed, laughing, " because _I'm _the one who struggles to control her urges."

For the most part, Shepard did well with remaining incognito thanks to the fact that she was walking with the first Asari the colony had seen in years, if ever. Liara handled all the attention gracefully, smiling benevolently at the children who rushed toward her, excited to have a look at a member of a race they'd only read about and seen in vids.

Some of the adults were wary of her, mostly because they mistrusted the alien presence in general. Shepard understood that. This was a human colony. Any non-council races were banned from coming here without proper clearance from the Alliance. Mindoir looked nothing like Shepard remembered. Everything had been upgraded and was now soundly built. Defense towers stood as silent sentinels throughout the main areas of the colony.

It wasn't until they reached Shepard's old high school, which was rebuilt almost exactly as she remembered, that things started to sink in. Suddenly, she was fifteen again, racing here every day to get to the gym early and play basketball or dodge ball. She'd loved being active and athletic, and the gym had been free to anyone before classes began in the morning.

That was where she'd first met Cassidy.

A small smile crept onto her face as she moved to the large doors of the school's entrance. Cassidy was a name she hadn't thought in years. When she'd joined the Alliance, she had forced her mind to repress all of that loss; both Cassidy and losing her parents to the attack. Even after she'd been rescued, her life had lain in shambles, and she knew that if she was ever going to move on, she had to forget. Thankfully, the galaxy had provided her with plenty of distraction, whether it be Elysium or the Reapers; there had been no time to sit around and wallow. Now, all she had was time and being here made everything come rushing back.

"Wow, human schools are very different from Asari." Liara said as they walked through the entrance and into the commons area. To her credit, Liara had been very quiet and thoughtful as they moved through Mindoir. She asked questions, patiently listened to the answers, never pushing. She was supportive, seemingly just happy to be there at all.

Shepard glanced back at her curiously. "How so?"

"Well for one, we all take up housing at school," Liara explained, " For seven months out of the year we move in."

"Humans do that too, when we go to college."

Liara grinned. "Asari spend the first thirty years of our lives in schools. Learning, understanding."

"You were a huge nerd weren't you?" Shepard teased with a gleam in her eye.

"A…what?" Liara wondered with confusion, as her brow furrowed. "Is that another one of your human insults that I don't understand?"

"No way, I've always thought nerds were kinda sexy," she answered reassuringly.

A glare filled Liara's blue eyes. "What is this 'nerd' you speak of? From the sound of it, it's not something I should be proud of."

Shepard chuckled. "It just means that you spent more time reading and learning than you did, say…socializing or spending time with people. You've told me as much. I was just…putting a label on it." She bumped the Asari with her hip, wrapping an arm around her. "Like I said…sexy."

"Yes," Liara rolled her eyes but she couldn't hide her smile. "Well perhaps if you had more…'nerds' in your race your people would spend less time running around on football courts and more time contributing to the galaxy."

"Oh, we've contributed plenty."

Liara waved her hand dismissively. "Anything you say about the Reaper war is insignificant. That was every race banding together to fight a common enemy. You just happened to be at the tip of the spear."

Shepard made a sound of mock horror. "I'm _pretty _sure I was carrying the damn spear for a while there."

"Be that as it _may_—"

"Chocolate!" Shepard blurted, cutting her off and making Liara's eyes go wide.. "We gave you all chocolate and it _was _so good that the Turians and Quarians had to make Dextro Amino Chocolate just so they could see what all the fuss was about."

Liara's jaw fell slack for a moment, before her expression projected Shepard's victory. If Liara had a weakness, it was definitely chocolate. She grinned wryly as the Asari stuttered for a moment, fumbling for a retort.

"Well, your vid programs are ridiculous." She folded her arms and gave a little 'Hmpf' after, making Shepard laugh as they approached the gym. She stopped cold, when her eyes fell on the far wall; a massive stone block that covered its entirety and etched with thousands of names. She knew what it was immediately. Vaguely, she felt Liara gently take her hand, obviously having sensed her discomfort, lacing their fingers together and squeezing.

"It's so…big," Shepard mused, thinking aloud and swallowing hard. She drifted toward the titanic memorial, pulling Liara with her. It became immediately evident that the names were listed alphabetically. Her eyes scanned for her own name, dreading it with every pulse beat that passed.

_Hannah Shepard_

_Kyle Shepard_

_Sean Shepard_

Reverently, she reached up and brushed their names with the tips of her scarred, calloused fingers. The enormity of everything came crashing over her, overwhelming her and nearly bringing her to her knees. She thought about how fleeting life was, and how in an instant, all of the plans you made; all of your hopes and dreams could be gone. One moment, they'd been her family, laughing and full of love. Now, they were dead. They would never breathe again. They would never smile or feel joy again. They had missed every important moment of her adult life. Glory meant nothing when the people who mattered weren't there to share it.

Glancing down, she saw the hand holding hers and that's when she realized there was a tear streaking a slow path down the slope of her cheek. Her family would never know Liara. They would never see the little blue children they'd been talking about having. Shepard could sense Liara's unease, knowing she wasn't used to seeing Shepard cry. The Commander in her was furious at the tears, wiping at them angrily and glowering at the wall as if it had punched her.

"Hannah is a beautiful name," Liara murmured, moving to stand behind her with a hand on the small of Shepard's back. "What was your mother like?"

Despite herself, a hoarse laugh escaped Shepard's lips as the weight of the question struck her. Closing her eyes, she tried to picture her mother's face, becoming frustrated when she all she could recall were blurry images of people she'd once known.

"Mom never took anything for granted," She started falteringly, never taking her eyes off the wall. "Her childhood was really hard. I'm pretty sure her dad used to hit her and treat her like crap. I think it's why she left Earth when she met my dad. She wanted to get as far away from him as possible." She felt her bottom lip quiver threateningly as she continued, "I remember she used to hug me at the most random times. You know?" Out of the corner of her eye, Shepard thought she saw Liara nod. The Asari was not shy about her own emotions. "I used to get _so_ mad at her, tell her to stop hugging me, I'm not a little kid anymore and she'd just smile and tell me 'you'll miss these hugs someday' and I'd roll my eyes." Tears were falling faster than she could brush away, but she managed a nostalgic smile, touching her mother's name once again, tenderly. "Like always…she was right."

She let out a slow, ragged breath, wiping her wet face with the sleeve of her hoodie. "_God,_ I miss her Liara."

"I know," her bondmate replied soothingly, rubbing circles on her back. "I wish I could have met her. And, of course, all of your family."

"They would have loved you." Shepard was thoughtful for a moment. "My brother probably would have hit on you."

This made Liara laugh. "Oh really?"

"Yep, the Shepards weren't exactly tactful."

"You don't say?" Liara teased, grinning widely even though her eyes were still wet with unshed tears. Shepard glanced away, letting her gaze fall on another section of names to the left.

_Henry Issel_

_Michael James_

_David Jorgenson_

Her heart felt like it stopped beating for a moment as she searched frantically through the list. "Where is she?" She mumbled aloud to herself, moving away from Liara and reaching out with her hand to skim through the names. The name _Michael James _stood out, certainly, but there was a name missing

Where was Cassidy?

"Who?" Liara's voice was soft, but full of bemusement. Shepard…what—"

"She's not on the – did they…? Oh, _God."_ The pain in Shepard's wounded voice frightened Liara. This woman was her rock, an anchor, as solid a mind as anyone she'd ever met. It was unnerving to hear such despair in the war hero's voice; she never had.

"What's going on, Shepard?" No response. Frustrated, Liara moved close enough to touch her again, placing a hand on her shoulder. "_Shepard!_ What's wrong?"

This seemed to snap Shepard out of her trance as she glanced over her shoulder, meeting Liara's eyes in with growing dread. "They never found her. We have to go," she took Liara's hand. "We have to find her!" [

Shepard gave Liara no time to argue.

* * *

"Shepard, what's going on?" Liara asked again, worriedly, as Shepard practically dragged her out of the cab that had stopped in the middle of a long road separating the main part of the settlement from a deep forest of trees on the other side. When she received no answer, Liara cast a soft biotic charge that rippled through Shepard's skin, stopping her cold. "What is going on?" Liara demanded, finally grabbing her bondmate's full attention. She felt her chest ache at the pain in Shepard's eyes.

"I left someone…here," she pointed out into the forest, sighing. "And I think she's still there."

"You believe someone is alive in these woods?"

Shepard swallowed hard, shame filling her eyes as she shook her head. "No."

They moved slowly into the thick mass of trees. Liara said nothing, though she was still obviously apprehensive about what they may come to face. The silence continued as they moved deeper into the thicket. Shepard began to move more confidently, remembering where she was going. Finally, the grated steel sticking up through the tall grass came into view.

It was closed, though unlatched, most likely blown over by a gust of wind or an animal passing and hitting it. Liara hovered close behind, but did not say anything. She lingered contemplatively, ready to help Shepard find what peace she needed.

"God _damn _it," Shepard growled, peering down into the cellar. Liara hesitantly took a step toward her, nearly colliding with her as Shepard backed up, covering her own mouth.

"Sh-Shepard…?" Liara began uncertainly, hearing nothing in response. "Shepard?" She tried once more. The human was staring, wide eyed, staring down into the dark abyss of the cellar. She was visibly trembling. _"Kaitlin!"_ Liara finally cried, drawing Shepard's attention. "Please speak to me."

Shepard closed her eyes, willing courage into her body before she started down the rickety steps of the decrepit cellar. Liara followed hesitantly, unaware of what was to come, but sensing that it wouldn't be pleasant. At the final step, Shepard halted abruptly, making Liara bump unceremoniously into her. Carefully, she moved around Shepard, glancing around the empty room. Her eyes fell on a shapeless form, lying near the corner, allotting for the foul, stale smell hanging in the air. It was a body, at least, it had been once. Now, it was merely rotted bones covered in ragged strips of decomposed clothing. Liara nearly gasped in realization, turning to stare at Shepard's stricken face. She _knew_ this person; perhaps had even been present when they'd died.

"Shepard." She touched her bondmate's shoulder. "Who is this?"

A pained smile played on Shepard's dangerously quivering lips as she fought the tears welling in her green eyes. "Her name was Cassidy. Cassidy James." A quaking breath. "She was my best friend."

A rush of emotions flooded through Liara. She wasn't quite sure how to handle them, nor which ones to actually act on. She yearned to hold Shepard, though she knew that probably wasn't what she wanted. Shepard handled emotion different than most other humans. She did not long for comfort; she wanted space. So, Liara kept her distance, though curiosity got the better of her.

"You were here…" The Asari asked in a hushed voice, full of compassion. "_Weren't_ you?"

"I left her," Shepard bit out darkly, with ice in her voice, though it was clear her anger was directed toward herself.

Liara winced. "Shepard—"

"It was a lost cause," She blurted, as words began to tumble from her lips in a rush, "There was no way I could save her. I was sixteen, I was…_scared._ And this _girl_—Cassidy – she was lying on the ground, just bleeding and crying and…_dying._ And I couldn't _do _anything."

"You were there for her," Liara comforted, unable to help herself, seeing Shepard like this was overwhelming. She took a step forward and touched her bondmate's shoulder. "You cared for her."

"Compassion doesn't heal wounds, Liara."

"Not physical ones," The Asari mused. "But your friend did not die alone. That's all any of us, from any race, can ask."

Shepard closed her eyes and sighed. "Everybody dies alone, Liara. Whether you're in the middle of a battlefield or lying in a cellar."

"Or floating through space after your ship has been destroyed."

A watery laugh. "Yeah," Shepard's voice broke. "I've been coming back here a lot lately. In my dreams, since the war ended and my mind…slowed down." Biting hard on her lip, Shepard stared down at the remains of her once best friend and felt a hot tear streak down her cheek. "I don't want to come back here anymore. I'm tired of living in the past. I want a future," she took both of Liara's hands into hers, _"Our_ future."

Liara smiled. "So do I."

Shepard pulled her lover into a tight embrace, clinging to her and burying her face into the crook of her graceful neck, before kissing Liara's cheek and pulling back to look into her eyes imploringly. "Will you help me?"

A small, sad smile curved Liara's lips as she squeezed Shepard's clammy hands. "Of _course."_

With that, the two of them carefully and lovingly buried the remains of the late Cassidy James, along with the pain and loss that Kaitlin had suffered in this place.


End file.
